Mostly because I feel like I haven’t had any solid updates or good news to share.
CD 46, I think? I still have my apps running and keeping track but I haven’t been taking my temperature…oops.
My sister’s wedding went well last weekend. The weather was amazing and it made me miss Maryland so much. I was such an emotional wreck the day we were flying home because I wanted to stay so bad. We’ve lived in Texas about 2 and a half years now and I still don’t feel at home here. I’m not sure I ever will. I also feel like I’ve changed so much since we moved and not for the better. Joe knows how unhappy I’ve been and he has been so supportive through everything but I feel like its ultimately up to me to decide what to do. When we moved to Texas it was all decided and done in about 3 weeks. I don’t think I realized how attached I was to my family. We live near Joe’s family here but it’s just not the same as your own. I feel like I should be more “settled” here by now. I have a job and house that I love but only maybe 2 half-way decent friends here. This all led to Joe offering to move us back to Maryland. Or to start the process anyway. I think he was surprised when I didn’t immediately say, “Yes! Let’s go!” I want to. But the reasons we moved here in the first place still stand:
- Joe has a great job here with lots of growth potential.
- We have a spacious house that we could stay in forever.
- We can afford for me to stay home with our future babies.
- Everything in Texas in general is so much more affordable.
If we move, we’ll probably have to live in an apartment again for 6 months or so while we get settled. Whatever house we buy is likely to be about 1/3 of the size of our house now and it will just be a starter home. Which probably doesn’t seem like a big deal but when you move into what you think will be your forever home, it’s a hard thing to swallow. We’re also not sure what kind of job Joe will be able to get there and it’s pretty much a given that I’ll need to be bringing in some sort of decent salary as well. But we’ll be near my family and I’ll have more support and I think I’ll/we’ll be happier.
So much to think about that right now we aren’t thinking about it. Joe doesn’t seem to understand my need to stay home with our babies and not use day cares. That is pretty non-negotiable for me. I mean, we’ve waited this long and spent this much money for our baby to spend time with strangers…no.
In fertility updates…I’ve got nothing. Just finished my 10-day Provera a couple nights ago. Still no period. I’ve taken it into my own hands and started taking a bunch of Vitamin C again. I have to go in for Day 3 blood work I believe and we’re away this weekend again for another wedding. This time in Chicago and I don’t want anything to mess up the timing.
In other people’s fertility news my (much younger) sister-in-law is pregnant. Joe and I went to dinner/movie with his brother and her on Friday night and I felt like something was up. On our way home I said to Joe, “So, they’re pregnant.” He thought I was crazy. But I was absolutely positive. Thus leading to my melt down. I am happy for them, they definitely deserve it. But I can’t help but feel so sad for us. It kills me to think that after 9 months of trying our hardest, Joe still has to watch his younger brother by 5 years become a dad before him. It’s not a race by any means. I just don’t know how we are going to get through this if we don’t get pregnant in the mean time. His family is really close. We see them just about every weekend type of close and his brother lives about 10 minutes away from us. I just know it’s going to be so hard for us to watch and I don’t want to have a melt down after every time we see them. It’s just such a reminder, ‘oh yeah Erin don’t forget you haven’t gotten pregnant yet.’ I remember when we decided to start trying and I was paranoid about being ‘too pregnant’ for my sister’s wedding. And now the wedding has passed and nope, not even a little pregnant.
Anyway, yesterday we had plans to see Joe’s whole family that afternoon and I was thinking okay that’s when they are going to make their announcement. I decided that I wanted to give them some sort of pregnancy-related gift basket so I ran around all morning getting it together. All the while Joe still thinking I’m insane for buying gifts for something that I just had a ‘feeling’ about. I think it was my way of both keeping myself busy and accepting the situation and hopefully getting some closure on it. As well as showing them that we are happy and excited for them despite our own situation. In the basket I put: a couple fun books on pregnancy (one for mom and one for dad), an ultrasound picture frame, stretch mark prevention lotion, Tylenol, Tums, monthly baby bump stickers, ginger ale, Preggie Pops, and some Snickers bars. I think they really liked it. And were very surprised that we had something for them immediately after they told us. I don’t want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around us but I’m not sure what the alternative means for us.
Here’s to hoping AF is well on her way!